April 24, 2155

I have finished the run of my spectacular floorshow "She-God '55" here at Mount Olympus, the Las Vegas hotel, nightclub and theme park based on ancient Greek mythology. Now that I have some free time, I think I will take the Debbie Reynolds Clone's offer to go on that trip through time that is available here at the hotel. (Poor Debbie. She wasn't able to make a success of her own hotel in the 20th century, but her clone is doing very well in the 22nd.) I would like to go back to the 20th century and look for the golden Jean Louis that I misplaced at some point in my busy Hollywood career. All I have to do is make an appointment to step into the Yvette Mimieux Memorial Time Machine (L'Yvette for short) and I'm off.


April 25, 1927

Well, here I am in roaring 1920s Hollywood. I have hooked up with Wilmary, "the ultimate Hollywood dresser." She is my guide. We went to the set of my wild movie "Our Charleston-Crazed Children." There I was, taking a bath in gin, while my best friend Billie Cassin watched. Quite shocking! Wilmary and I looked high and low for the golden Jean Louis. Nowhere to be found. We will move on.


April 26, 1934

Wilmary and I visited Warmer Brothers today where we saw myself and Jane Shrivels shooting the big production number, "No Trick to Totin'," from our musical "Hillbillies of 1935." We searched high and low for the golden Jean Louis, until I remembered that the twins Orry and Kelly did the clothes for "Hillbillies." So, we must try the next decade.


April 27, 1948

"I Wake Up Lip-Synching!" was a low-budget film noir I made with Vincent M. Mature. I thought surely that Wilmary and I would find the discarded golden Jean Louis on the set. Instead, all we found was lots of venetian blinds and chiaroscuro and a brief, memorable appearance by Percy Helton as a sleazy pawnbroker. 1953 here we come!


April 28, 1953

I won my fifth Oscar for the women's prison movie "I'll Fry Tomorrow." There was a dream ballet in that film in which I was seen not wearing the regulation prison burlap. I reflected that perhaps we might find the golden Jean Louis in the surrealistic dance sequence. No such luck!


April 29, 1957

In "Lypsinka and the Sex Bombs from Outer Space" I played a glamorous, brainless rocket scientist with a Hungarian accent. Who can forget the immortal line, "I tink I go put on von off her dresses?" I tink Vilmary and I look at all ze dresses and not a von off zem vass ze golden Jean Louis, zahling.

April 30, 1963

"My Deah" was from my frantic period. I had to compete with Bette, Joan and Tallulah in the horror market, so I made this grotesque, Southern Gothic re-hash of "Medea" called "My Deah," set in the Garden District of New Orleans. I chopped up little children and ex-lovers right and left. Even if Wilmary and I had found the golden Jean Louis, it probably would have been covered in stage blood.

 

April 31, 1968

I adored my TV series "Drop Dead, Darling!" I played an alluring ghost whose widowed husband could still see me, but no one else could. Sound familiar? Well, never mind. It was heavenly and I wore twelve fabulous gowns in every episode. Wilmary and I looked on every hanger in the costume department at Desilu. Not even one gold sequin!

April 32, 1977

I tried for years to avoid cheap TV-movies, but I finally gave in with "Love Has Many Outfits." Filmed in a garage at Laguna Beach, co-starring Ruth Romaine and Virginia Greymare as Blowsy Johnson and Anorexia DeVille, two sexed-up society dames, and me as drugged-out ex-specialty dancer Noreen Hedgepeth, this was the lowest point of my career. The budget was so close to nil, I don't even know why Wilmary and I bothered looking for any Jean Louis on that set.

April 33, 1986

We visited the set of my successful, prime-time, caviar-and-shoulder-pads soap opera "Tycooness" the day that I filmed the scene where my character, Constance Meredith, flips out when she finds the wrong kind of vegetable dip has been served to her. She fires all 1246 people who work for her. I loved that scene! Although I doubted that the golden Jean Louis had shoulder pads, Wilmary and I perservered anyway. Nowhere to be found!

 

April 34, 1999

My daytime talk show, "The Matricide Show," was the most popular show on earth in the 1990s. I was riding high. Every piece of trailer trash that ever looked sideways at his or her mother sat next to me and the whole world ate it up. I was dressed lavishly for every taping. Wilmary and I were sick to death of wardrobe departments by this time (and we saw quite a few wire hangers, I'm sorry to say) but nothing could deter our mission. Lo and behold, we finally found the golden Jean Louis! I slipped it on. It fit perfectly! I thanked Wilmary and told her to look me up if she ever makes it to the 22nd century. I popped back in L'Yvette and now I'm relaxing in my suite at Mount Olympus. One good night's rest and then I'm off to star in the mindless Broadway musical, "Fashions of 2155." Can't wait!